Eavesdropping

There is absolutely no stability in my life. I'm weaving all these webs of secrets and lies, and now I am fast running out of places to hide. What can I do when I've let my guard down enough to have the demons peak through? They are coming faster and faster, and I can't stop them.

Reading has left me. God, I want to pick up a book and lose myself in his covers. I want to write poetry as freely as I once did. I hate this new room. Since when is it perfectly okay to trod all over me? Well, fuck all of you and the horses that you rode in on. It's not my fault that you are fucking him up. You should have thought all of that before you elected to make him a social outcast. Epic fail, family, epic fail.

And you know what? I'm proud of my grades. I'm fucking proud of the fact that I can skip class and not study and still make A's and B's. I told you this place was a joke, but you didn't listen, did you? Now I've gone and proved you wrong, and I can't even tell you.

I wish that I was concerned with bigger and better things, but I'm not. I'm trying to stay afloat. I'm trying to puzzle out who and what I am. I need to make a list, a list of things I need to do.

-- Read more. (I probably have close to fifty books in my room currently that I haven't even read. How sad is that?)

-- Think more. (I need to stop pushing away the big issues and actually sit down and figure out what they mean.)

-- Practice my fucking guitar. (I bought the thing. Now I have to practice.)

--Write more. (I'm supposed to write everyday. A poem, blog, part of Mr. Foutch's novel, anything.)

-- Work on my tarot readings. (How else am I going to travel around in an RV of voodoo?)

-- Keep in touch with my family. (I feel like I'm losing sight of them.)

-- Study. (I won't learn anything in college if I don't study the material and do the homework.)

-- Exercise. (I need to start going to yoga again, using the treadmill, something.)

-- Stop spending money like crazy.


It seems I've merely traded one set of sins for the other.