Dirt

This is a poem that I wrote while sitting in my Astronomy class one evening. I really rather enjoy it because of the yin and yang principle that it presents: that you can know and understand something by its opposite. While I admit that I am not a conventionally religious person, I see "God" in everything, in all of it, even what others would consider to be 'dirt.' How could a creator that put so much detail into evil as well as good not be a god of love? A god of humanity. Well, here's to a brief experiment. We will see how it goes.

What now?

Oh, heaven knows I've messed up again. Isn't it incredible? This knack I have for ruining every good opportunity I've ever had? I wish I could be practical, prudent, intelligent. I'm not good for much of anything. I've spent my life scraping by on my butt, and with the real world fast approaching, all of those people who called me out as a phony are echoing in my head. They were right, you know. I can never admit that, not to the people who don't know better than to give me a second chance.

I have no idea whether I am going to be able to transfer to UT Martin this next semester. It is quite feasible that they will not accept me, which would be devestating. I have no idea what lies in the future for me. I have no idea where I am going, what I am doing. I would be content to spend the rest of my days like I have been. Just floating along in a puddle of almost existence, but lives aren't meant to be that way.

I could write. Hypothetically.
I want to write.
I yearn for writing more than for any lover.
I should write.

And I want to tell my story, to connect with people once again, to be meshed up in the world with all of its uncertainties and tiny joys.

I will return to this idea.

Again

I went to a flag dedication ceremony with my mother on Tuesday. There was something very beautiful and poetic about standing in the snow listening to the Honor Guard play "Taps" as they lowered a tattered flag to the ground and handed it to Jessica. My life has changed so much since the 6th of April; it's crazy to think that I could ever be that person that I was before. I can't return to the waters of youth, and it's foolish to even try.

There is such loss here, such complete insanity. We collapsed when we finally came back from Charles and Irene's house and slept until three this morning. I haven't lived that way since that bygone summer of insanity. We are so young and... lost, I suppose. I don't have the faintest idea what we are doing.

Foutch is hiding again. I've got to go and try to find him. Maybe this incident will be inspiration.

Goodbye, Gaia.

I need to stop logging on there. I'm on even now. Why is it taking me so long to just get the fuck out of there? I'm so tired and confused right now. I have to go back to counselling Monday, and I want to have something to show for the weeks that I've been gone, but nothing has changed. Not one damn thing. At least I have showered since then although my hair is greasy enough now that no one would know it. I have to get out of there. It's eating away at my soul. I've forgotten what the light of day looks like.

I'm frazzled and aimless. My room needs to be cleaned; laundry needs to be done; I need to visit my family. I'm pretty sure that my brain has fallen asleep. One thing that I know to be true currently, is that I need to sever most of my ties with Gaia and soon. I've wasted too much of my life there already.