God, what has happened? My mind has turned to mush. Maybe it has always been that way. I'm not sure. I see such problems with the way I am living now. I watch too much tv, eat too many preservatives, spend way way too much time on this idiot box I am typing on now. I need to clear my thoughts, need to get away. I'm going to the cabin this weekend. I've decided. I am going to take pictures. I am going to read Edgar Sawtelle and 1984. I am going to write and relax by God, maybe work on curing this harsh and removed tone that my words have taken. How funny that in a harsh and removed place I believe I will find the answer to the coldness of my mind. Nature is warm and inviting, the mother and womb of my thoughts. I need that loneliness, need it like the air I breathe. I have to rewrite my life, reset my goals.
Why are they so concerned with setting me up with a lifetime goal? With a location and an idea? I have spent so much time worrying over not fitting through these hoops that they want me to go through, and maybe all of my protestation against these shackles is exactly what they expect from me. Maybe they want me to believe that I am different to keep me the same. Think that my uniqueness is satisfactory so that I won't cause too much trouble, so that my contempt can be swept under the rug.
This is just a stream, a waterfall of words with no meaning. I've lost that meaning that I could once bestow on words with such accuracy. Where has it flown in its desperation? What have I sacrificed when I applied this haze around my mind so that I could not hear the whole of nature screaming in agony? So that I could no longer see the actions that I must perform in order to see myself as human? I am such a monster. I have become the monstrosity of which I spoke. The monstrosity of humanity. And I can't stop it. I am sitting in the cave unable to turn my head. Unable to look around and see where the hell I am, locate myself on a map. But even if I could, I have no idea what map to use because I can't trust them. I can't see what their intentions are, what their biasis would make them do to me. Harm me. Maybe they wouldn't. There is no way for me to tell, and where once I would have trusted them, now I am beginning to fear them.
There was a crazy man at the gas station today, looking for a ride. And I had no idea what he was doing. I thought he just wanted to talk to me, and then he goes and asks this woman who is alone if she is single, and I suddenly start looking at him. If I had been alone and driving, I would have given him a ride. What does that mean?
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